When I read the headline a sort of uneasy dread passed through me. “Breaking: Gov. Schwarzenegger Signs Landmark Egg Bill” it trumpeted.

The Gov is a Republican, so what I was thinking at that moment was this: There would be an Egg Police (providing employment to many immigrants with the barest knowledge of the English language). Their job would be to stop the infuriating habit of cooking eggs sunny side up. They would knock on doors at ungodly hours in the morning. Fines for runny yolks would be enormous. They would take no guff—mostly because they wouldn’t understand it, just like security at airports.

Imagine my surprise when I actually read the article, which informed me that:

all shell (whole) eggs sold in California must come from hens who were able to stand up, lie down, turn around, and fully extend their limbs without touching one another or the sides of an enclosure.

Imagine! Chickens get to extend their limbs! And lie! (down of course).

Oddly though, the legislation doesn’t seem to extend to animals who give their personal space for things like “whites only” non-yolked awfulness in a waxed container.

But it’s a start.

Read: Breaking: Gov. Schwarzenegger Signs Landmark Egg Bill

We’ve heard countess times of the relationship between eating red meat and heart disease. But which red meats?

A new study breaks those meats down and finds that what seems to be the real culprit is processed foods like bacon, sausage, and hot dogs.

Healthy people who tended to eat a lot of preserved meats like bacon, sausage, hot dogs and cold cuts were much more likely than those who rarely touch the stuff to go on to develop heart disease or Type 2 diabetes.

Of course, there’s more work to be done in finding the active component of those items. I’d suggest a study pitting American products with Italian ones. It’s always baffled me how little fat is rendered by frying Pancetta, which is dry cured, and how much (and how little heat is required) fat is rendered under the same conditions for American bacon. Plus, there’s those pesky chemicals that the industrialists swear by and the rest of us swear at…

Read: Bacon, Hot Dogs And Sausage Look Worse For Heart Than Unprocessed Red Meat.

Assemblyman Felix Ortiz (D-Brooklyn the D standing for the title in the title, if you catch my drift) has actually introduced a bill that would totally eliminate the use of salt in all NY restaurants! Salt, as in “salt of the earth”, an absolutely and unequivocally essential dietary ingredient!

Yes, in place of proper health care, overpaid oafs are now introducing legislation that, if followed religiously by each and every citizen, would result in death on a massive scale.

This kind of crap legislation is no doubt a bone thrown to the legislation’s friends, the operators of fast food vomitoriums and the industrial crap food people: Around 75 per cent of the salt in our diet comes from processed foods, according to the Better Health Channel.

Obviously, if restaurants and home cooks didn’t salt food properly, it would make the crap served at these houses of ill nutrition and from plastic packages you buy in the supermarket taste much better than anything natural one could procure to eat. Hurray! Victory for bad taste!

Here’s how you die when your body runs out of salt, according to the Better Health Channel.

Hyponatremia is a condition that occurs when the sodium in your blood falls below the normal range of 135–145 milliequivalents per litre (mEq/L). In severe cases, low sodium levels in the body can lead to muscle cramps, nausea, vomiting and dizziness. Eventually lack of salt can lead to shock, coma and death.

Shock, coma, death. Right there in the legislation. Read more from A Poor Man’s Feast: A Proposed Salt Bill and get a nice recipe for sea bass cooked in a mountain of salt, the best way to gently heat your branzino.

Recently Michel Pollan pointed out this fact: “The less we spend on food, the more we spend on health care”

You may not particularly like Mr. Pollan for his food views, but you can’t deny the logic. Folks wondering why food is so cheap in America and health care so expensive only have to read the latest food news to find out the how the stuff we’re putting in our mouths gets more putrid each and every day.

For example, there’s this slimy but big organization called Beef Products Inc. (BPI), who recently had the audacity to use America’s public universities to do a study of the effectiveness of rinsing likely contaminated scraps of fat in Ammonia so they could be used in making industrial crap hamburgers. Of course, we the public are not allowed to actually see the study produced by our university. Nope.

In fact, Beef Products Inc. is suing to keep these documents on the effectiveness of ammonia secret.

How crap like E. coli as well as salmonella gets in your hamburger meat so that it needs a noxious chemical to kill it is proprietary, of course, so BPI is saving you from the horrors of knowing how your “food” is handled in the industrial environment. You could have a stroke you know.

It’s one of those things that makes you think someone has hacked the “Food Network” and left a deleterious recipe folks could go nuts scratching their heads over, maybe something akin to combining industrial crap food like the chopped-up innards of a Big Mac with some vegetables you saute with olive oil to make a Sloppy Joe which your network nutritionist cheerleader can wiggle her pom-poms over while still raking in the big bucks from big food advertisers.

Ellie Krieger, the distributor of this abomination the Food Network has the gall to call a “recipe” is evidently someone they call a “nutritionist”. Google her and see. Yup.

I mean, here’s the thing: You take an industrial crap burger that is widely accepted as a nutritionist’s nightmare, you chop up the innards minus the “center bun”, do a whole bunch of work sauteing stuff in olive oil, then you mix the whole wretched mess together and spoon it back into old, soggy bun and serve it to…

…your friends? God forbid.

Why slow down your fast food with more work? Just eat the damn Big Mac if you want. Olive oil isn’t like some kinda “fixer” for the nutritional abomination assembled in this recipe, you know, Ellie?

How low can the food channel sink? Hasn’t it reached bottom? What’s left to ensure the stupidity of American cooks, a recipe for no-cook Urinal Cakes on a Stick?

I gotta go. Just in case you think this is a made-up joke, here’s the link.